Two girls at the beach were admiring the passing scene, which included a bodybuilder who was strutting his best. “That’s my type,” said the first girl. “Well, I don’t know,” the other replied. “I have a friend who married a man that owns a two-car garage, but he just keeps a bicycle in it!”
There’s a postulate in quantum physics that states, “We don’t know how much we don’t know.” This statement rings out such resounding truth when it comes to weight training… and, yes, sex… but for now we’ll stick to the topic of weight training.
Every gym across the country has them… you know the people… the ones who make you put on that set of headphones (no stereo mind you, just the headphones) just so you can be left to yourself…. the woman who sees no wrong in setting the treadmill to the very lowest setting, and staying on it for an hour and a half while others are in line… the wannabe Hulk who loads 280 lbs. on a barbell and starts pounding away bicep curls by throwing his upper body back and forth – without ever bending the elbows… the men and women who filter in and out of the gym every day thinking that they are accomplishing something with their aimless antics and lack of planning. Every one of them thinks that they are doing it right!
The reality is that most people in the gym have lousy form, and pathetic knowledge of weight training. There’s little wonder why they look exactly the same, week after week, month after month, year after year. In fact, over 90% of the people who frequent gyms fall squarely into this category.
Let’s take a look at some of the characters that are commonly found in any gym across the nation:
“No Pain, No Gain.” There are actually people who believe this! I sincerely doubt that Ronnie Coleman or Arnold have ever consciously tried to hurt themselves. Yet there are morons out there that actually train with that mentality. Exercise should never be painful. If it is, you’ll run the risk of injury as a result of overtraining. Once you enter the “overtraining zone,” you’re guaranteed to experience physiological and mental stress which can eventually lead to a number of health problems.
The Flirt. All you guys know who she is. She is the one that thinks she’s the hottest girl in the gym, but in reality she is simply the most annoying. She is the one that comes up to you immediately after you have just pounded out a set of squats from hell, bats her eyes at you then proceeds to ask you “Can you please come take these plates off the leg press. They are just too heavy for me.” To which I would say “Hell no, what do I look like, your personal trainer?” (You know how moody one can be after doing a set of brutal squats.)
The Screamer. Every gym has to have at least one of them. I know you will easily create an image in your mind of the person that I’m talking about. He’s the guy that, for some reason, feels it’s his obligation to shriek at the top of his lungs before performing any set. What makes it even more astonishing is that this person will be lifting such a small amount of weight. I find these people more humorous than annoying. I’ve had the “privilege” to experience quite a few occasions where the “Screamer” has made his presence known. Although it may seem to provide a psychological edge, it has been proven through research, that yelling before or during an exercise provides absolutely no benefit whatsoever. It can, however, be very distracting. My first reaction when I hear someone scream is, “OH GOD! Someone’s stuck beneath a barbell,” or “OH NO! Someone just tore a muscle!” Whenever I am in the presence of a Screamer in the gym, I always remember something I was told when I first started training. I was having a conversation with a young lady that was training next to me when a Screamer yelled at the top of his lungs. As I was trying to suppress my laughter, she turns to me and says, “You know, I’ve always heard that the noises a person makes while training are the same ones they make while in bed.” After hearing that, I nearly had to use the restroom to wipe my backside clean. As funny as it was at the time, I think she may just be right! What to do think?
The Spandex Lady. This one is not a pretty sight to see. This is the lady who really needs to lose about 75 more pounds before she tries to squeeze that lard into those tight-fitting spandex shorts that are… and this is the big one… a minimum of three sizes too small. Lady, let me clue you in on something, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU IN THAT! To makes matters worse, she’s the one I described above… the woman who sees no wrong in setting the treadmill to the very lowest, slowest setting, and stays on it forever while others are waiting in line to use it. She goes so slow that she burns maybe 20 calories the entire time she lumbers along. This lady needs to make it worth all of our time by picking up the pace, or getting the hell out of the way. More importantly, she needs to do us all a favor and just wear some big, baggy sweats.
“My Ego Is Bigger Than My Bench.” Inevitably, you will always have at least one guy who feels the need to place more weight on the bar than even Ronnie Coleman himself will lift on a regular basis. What sucks about this guy is that since you look like you work out, you are a prime candidate to spot this person. Being the nice person you are, you happily agree to spot them. Then just before they begin, they look up and ask you, “Give me a lift-off on 3 and make me work!” You respond by saying, “Okay, on 3”. One, two, three, lift.” The person holds the weight for an instant and then, in the blink of an eye, the weight accelerates straight down like, well…dead weight! You fear the worst, thinking that the person over-estimated their abilities and could be seriously injured. So, with all of your strength, you apply as much possible resistance to slow the downward plunge of the weight. The thud it makes at the bottom makes you cringe! You breathe a sigh of relief when you notice that the person is not hurt and you immediately begin to pull the weight up and towards the rack. As you do, the most mind-boggling thing happens. The idiot murmurs in a low, strained voice “Help me get one more…” Your mouth nearly hits the floor in amazement as you think to yourself, “What? You didn’t even get the first one.” You repeat the process. After it’s over and your traps are recovering, you swiftly move to the other side of the gym in hope that the person won’t ask you to help him again. As you move away, this clown asks the question heard around the world, “How much did you help me”? “Well, Bullet Head… A WHOLE DAMN LOT!” From that day forward, you avoid that person like cardio during the off-season.
There is a common theme that must be adapted by any successful bodybuilder. It’s called “Let Go of My Ego.” This is where you must convince yourself that your body will grow with proper technique, correct form, and most of all… nutrition. It is not always necessary to lift massive amounts of weight all the time, and sacrifice good form and technique to do so. The moral of the story? Big weights only look cool if… and ONLY if… you can lift them without subjecting the person spotting you to an unexpected set of shrugs.
The Rat Pack. Similar to the previous category, except this is usually a group of three or four guys that work out together. They are usually using way more weight than most pro bodybuilders fathom using. There are two distinctive characteristics of this group of pinheads. First, they all think they are getting bigger and stronger. I mean… they truly believe it! Picture these guys. They load up a barbell with way more weight than any of them can dream to lift with proper form, and then proceed to take turns spotting each other through set after set of gyrations and movements that defy nature. The second distinctive trait is that the person spotting is actually getting a better workout than the one doing the exercise!
Marathon Man. He always seems to be the first to arrive, and the last to leave. He believes that the longer he trains in the gym, the more weight he will lose (or gain). His workouts are of epic durations. He’s the guy that performs every conceivable exercise designed for the particular body part he is training that day. He just doesn’t get it. The longer you’re in the gym, the more muscle fibers you’ll tear down. This is an unhealthy way to lose (or gain) weight. Once your body hits a catabolic state, you begin to lose energy… and that eventually leads to over-training… which leads to a plateau. A plateau is an inability to make progress in training. It can last for months. To be safe, consider working out for about 45 minutes to 1 hour, increase the intensity and continue to progress.
The Serious Person. When this person gets ready to train the first thing he will do is get into his own little world. Then he gets the “if you talk to me I will kick your butt” look on his face. He grabs his belt, straps and whatever else he may need on that day of training. When he gets in this zone he doesn’t like to be bothered. You know him… he’s the guy that after doing a heavy set of dumbbell curls will walk around and brood even though he has just pushed himself through a pain barrier that nobody else in that gym is willing to do and doesn’t even have the guts to do. He never looks at anyone in the eye. Everyone avoids him until it is finished. Then as quickly as the all-out assault started, it is over. Then he comes back to the real world and once again he is a really nice guy… until the next time he trains. I guess this is why people think bodybuilders are crazed idiots. He can be intimidating to most people, but at least he has a purpose for his training.
I am sure you can relate to most, if not all, of the people I have written about. If you are one of these people… let me ask you this? Do you want to be stuck in the stagnant pond of mediocrity all of your life? No? Then get over yourself and change your views towards training. Be like the Serious Person… determine the PURPOSE of your training… determine the PURPOSE of your workout… determine the PURPOSE of the exercise. And then train WITH A PURPOSE. Only then will you begin to train RIGHT! Only then will you begin to feel the pleasure of accomplishment after each repetition of every set. And only then will you truly ENJOY your workouts… sounds a lot like sex, doesn’t it? Whatever your training goals, whether it’s the size of the muscles, or the use of them, don’t miss the adventure along the way… again, it sounds like sex. Vince Gironda once said, “There’s joy on the gym floor.” Only those with a heart for training can understand what he meant.
I believe that about wraps up Dr. Diet’s Personal Rant Session. I feel much better now. And if anyone reading this knows me, yes I am talking about you!
